my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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