Screwed.edu
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
cat food counts as protein by the way
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
