I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
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My dream of liquor pitchers came true
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
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Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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