This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
