theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize