Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
