look no pants
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
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And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
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It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.