hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure