my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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