I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
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you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
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I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
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