Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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