I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
