ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
