i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
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All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
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I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound