Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.