is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar