Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
