I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
