Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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