I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
