Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize