my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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