guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize