i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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