I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
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