I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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