Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
