ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
The beer is more important than you right now.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
