So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
