i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I wear drunk well.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
