tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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