My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Dick very happy bro
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
