I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
