2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
