My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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