i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
