Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
