If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
