I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
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Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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