dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
This house was built for laser tag.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
