Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
