Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
