Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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