Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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