the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize