i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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