I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
