so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
