so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
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The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
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Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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