ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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