How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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