genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
