i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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