His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
