Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you would pick up someone in the library
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Randomize
