Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
